As I am jumping through the hoops necessary to get my daughters any help they need-- especially Sine. I am faced with having to "win" my husband over to the idea that our child is officially on the autism spectrum. Even though it has been evident for the last couple years. And, possibly, so is our other child to a degree. I have heard from various sources: my psychologist, my best friend who has worked with autistic children for decades, and the psychologist who gave our girls the ADOS, fathers usually have a harder time coming to terms with the diagnosis.
I have heard it is like a grieving process similar to the stages of grief when a loved one dies. In some ways, I guess I am lucky that my Asperger's brain doesn't process in that way. I will admit that I was shocked when I was told that Cosine was possible Asperger's and that Sine was far over the cut-off for "classic" autism. And, I was saddened. Some of it, in all honesty, was residue from my own childhood experiences. But, I am sure it simply comes from seeing the obstacles now concretely positioned in front of my children. However, it lasted just a day or two. And, then the logistics had to be addressed. I am good at those. And, I am convinced of the potential for my children's great success if given the right tools NOW.
My husband shared he would do anything for our family, for our children. But, I know he wants to "fix" things like one would a broken clock. I know he is having a hard time thinking our children are just that-- broken. Yet, they aren't. They are just neurologically different, I tell him. I keep thinking of a spectrum rally call I hear over and over, "Different... not less." There will be different ways of doing things with them. Different ways of making sure they get the message. However, he still has a hard time seeing how two little girls we view as perfect need help. I also think he is apprehensive to discuss the differences in our children with others, especially in a world we've learned does not think different is good. With every test result I have him read, every page of the IEPs he goes overs, every time I tell him there are certain traits that are very universal (and can be dealt with), and every class or outing where he witnesses it all himself, he seems more relaxed... more engaged.
Nothing can be more detrimental to a child's development, whether on the spectrum or off, than two parents who can not come to some sort of agreement about how the children will be educated, disciplined and overall raised. This is even especially true when parents are faced with a detour to "normal" everyday living. It is a one step forward, two steps back situation.
To say I've dug my heels in about early intervention with our daughters isn't necessarily true. I dig my heels in on just about EVERYTHING. It is part of my personality (see Militia entry). However, there was not a choice about helping our daughters. It will happen. We taught them to brush their teeth, because dental health is something parents should share with their children. Teaching your children to initiate play with other children may not be necessary to prompt PHYSICAL development, but we have to admit in our country, world, and among the human race-- social development is necessary as well. Again, we have no plans on dumbing down our children to make them popular. By their sixth birthday, they will begin their, hopefully, life long love of chess. One day, they may be the friendliest kid in chess club. Or if they end up being leader of the Pep Club, I'll deal with it. I just want to know ten years from now, they will not get lost in the shuffle of underachieving. Or twenty years from now, they will not be faced with a long list of go-nowhere jobs because they couldn't navigate an interview or the work force.
My husband is a smaller than small town boy with two degrees, a menacing appearance, a noise motorcycle, a mean guitar, a furrowed brow, and a pillow-soft heart. He gets things done, he can be very motivated, and he is strong. I know I married him for very specific reasons. So, although we are not always going to approaching our daughters' development from the same angle, I know we are working towards the same goals. The lid on that Pandora's Jack-in-the-Box is now closed... for now.
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