As I have previous mentioned, since my diagnosis, I have been seeing signs that presented themselves throughout my life. Certain classic behaviors. I will refer to them as signs. When some of these things bubble up, I will share them if I can. Some I will later write more about, like stimming and documented behaviorial issues (all in note form now). These are just drops in the bucket. And, the bucket has a whole [sic].
Back in the mid-90's, I was in a band called T.Nougat (a mix between sweet gooey candy and the influential band T.Rex). We played bars, radio stations, and colleges. Yes, we rocked Bennington College hard! It was the first time I felt truly engaged playing music with others. And, having the other two members being a long-time friend/roommate and the other a live-in boyfriend, we shared a "cerebral intimacy" as we stated in our press pack. We shared a lot of free time together in and out of the practice space in the basement (see previous Spontaneous Combustion entry). We played out about once a month for quite a while. We befriended other bands. We had fun making studio recordings, DAT tapes, and four tracks. But, live was where the greatest communication took place and lifelong bonds continued to form. We sang songs about ponies, clowns at carnivals, female cops, cute Polish girls (using polish on their toes), books, hats, and TLC (tiny love chunks). And, we did a few covers like Can, The Stooges, Elton John, and Gang of Four.
Yet every night as the show crept closer, the higher my anxiety would rocket. Sometimes, I'd get physically sick. Sometimes, I'd go stand outside in the cold. But, I was always ready and on time. Once I took the stage, it would start. The slow rocking back and forth, from one foot to the other. I would stand with my back to the audience, sometimes with my eyes closed... and rock. I would look at Joe the drummer and then Jason the guitarist in a repeated cycle when my eyes were open. And, steady with the rhythm-- rock. It wasn't the classic stadium antics of "rocking out". It was just rocking. A close friend of mine would draw this to my attention one day. I retorted, "It's like autistic rocking... it makes me feel better." This was almost 15yrs before my diagnosis.
I still rock back and forth sometimes. Usually, you'll see me up against a wall in a crowded room, rocking from the tips of my toes to my heels. Waving my hands in grand gestures while looking at the ceiling like the words I am saying ar written there. But, I am comfortable with this now. If you see me do this, it usually means I am relaxed with whomever I am speaking to. However, if you see me squeezing my thumbs tightly in my fists with my eyes moving back and forth (left to right, left to right) then you know I am uncomfortable. You know, I would prefer to leave the situation and go rock in the corner... with or without a bass guitar strapped on.
