Splitting Hairs

These are some of the situations the general public needs to understand about autism. These are situations that the neurotypical public whitewash with a shrug and a "what's the big deal" mentality. These are situations that lead to accusations of spoiled children lacking discipline or simple misbehavior. And, that breaks my heart. I know from personal experience there is a huge gap in understanding. I feel lucky I learned to try to keep my mouth shut, even if I do find it unjust. However, with my daughters, I am trying to implement the best tactics I know-- most come under the blanket adaptive behavioral therapies. However, sometimes, you hold your child by the heel and dip them in head first-- hoping the experience will lead them to be more resilient.

When Sine, Cosine, and I went to last week's IEP, one of the five teachers/faculty present asked me how I tell the girls apart, because they appear identical. I don't understand this-- because they are NOT by any means identical to me. Yet, I have heard this enough to know the majority of the people we've encountered do see them as such. I casually mentioned a possible haircut in the near future. And, Sine's demeanor immediately changed. She stiffened. Her tone of voice changed. This would not be happening she informed us. Cosine then piped up to say she wanted a haircut. I tried to defuse by saying it is a possibility but would NOT be happening any time soon. I considered this like our frequently used five minute warnings for transitions. Some day, not today.

Almost a week later, Cosine approached me about a haircut. These kids do not let go of much. Once it is out there, expect to hear about it again and possibly often. Sine began to panic. Sheer panic. I started the comforting talk and the soothing actions. However, this is when I needed to make a choice. Entertain Sine's rigidity and deny her sister an opportunity she actively wanted to pursue or keep going.

We had faced this type of grand meltdown before when we had to get Sine to break down many of the huge structures, "tents", Sine had built throughout the house. One of my best friends has been employed as a teacher and parental resource, specializing in ASD, for almost two decades. She told me get it now. The longer you let the behavior to continue the harder it will be to break or change. For as mechanical as I can appear, it bothered me to break down my daughters' lives simply into a series of wanted or unwanted behaviors. But, it had to be done. I didn't want to envision my daughter having what others would view as "temper tantrums" at the age of forty. I wanted to give her the tools to move past difficulties, not because it is so important what others think of her-- but so she can be comfortable with herself, understand herself. I want her to feel strong, confident, and if possible, in control.

As I started to prepare a separate room as Cosine's barber shop, Sine began to pull at my arms and drag herself as she sobbed. She wailed, she clung to my legs, and ultimately, she began to scream. I tried to talk her down with explanations-- Cosine would still be the same person. Sine could still play with Cosine, and Cosine would still love her. There would be no condolences. I made Sine sit somewhere she wouldn't have to witness the act. I put a movie on she'd enjoy. I gave her her favorite blanket. And, still the sobbing continued. Part of me wanted to stop, to make her feel better. However, Cosine deserved to assert her individuality if she wanted to.

I could hear Sine sobbing and moving around the next room as I reaffirmed Cosine's decision. She looked beautiful. She would feel so much more comfortable. She was such a big girl and being a good listener by sitting so still. I could tell it was bothering her that Sine didn't support her choice. As I had brushed Cosine off, changed her shirt and gave her a big hug, Sine slowly came back into the room. "See!" I brightly said, "It's all over and everyone is okay!" Cosine want on to confirm, "I'm okay! We can still play." Sine whimpered and continued to chew on her blanket.

Cosine went off to continue her previous activities. I scooped up Sine. This is when the coddling goes into full force. I try to get her emotions balanced and her respiratory rate normalized by softly whispering and gently petting her hair while squeezing her extra tight. The effects were immediate. We started to review what happen. I helped her find words to express what set her off or what issue we needed to address. More sighing replaced the screaming. A nuzzling face to my chest replaced the stiff limbs. We again were faced with this: change will happen whether or not we want it to... and sometimes (most) times it is good.

After Sine had returned to a comfortable frame of mind, I made her rescue all the framed photos of Cosine out of the trash. Yes, while I was cutting Cosine's hair, she had collected all the evidence of Cosine with long hair and destroyed them by throwing them in the trash. That is how overwhelming the situation was for her. A simple hair cut had the potential of erasing an indescribably close bond with her twin sister. To think a teacher, a future employer, or even an uninformed relative would approach her and flatly tell her to "get over it" is beyond cruel in my mind.

By simply taking a little extra time and offering Sine some understanding and support, she was able to move through it not just passed it. Not only was she already able to compliment Cosine on her new hairstyle but she has approached me about trimming a "little" bit off of her own hair. Whew!